what we will become by Mimi Lemay

In the preface of Mimi Lemay’s magnificent memoir What We Will Become, Lemay writes, “There are no villains here, only flawed human beings. We are all a unique composition of our desires, beliefs, greatness and limitations.” This quote sets the tone for an authentic and empathic story about becoming one’s true self.

As soon as Joe and Mimi Lemay’s second daughter Em can speak, Em tells her parents, “I am a boy.” When Em and her big sister play imaginary games, Em dresses and act like a boy. When Em starts changing her clothes multiple times a day, Mimi and Joe believe their child might be obsessive-compulsive. They wonder: is this a phase? Maybe she will be gay? They conclude she is too young to be thinking about these issues. But soon, Em begins growling like a dog. Em only wants to wear boy’s clothes and asks to be called boys’ names at home. Em’s tantrums escalate while Mimi and Joe search for the best way to help their child. They meet with doctors and social workers at Children’s Hospital, talk with Em’s pre-school teacher and voraciously read about child development. Months pass and at each juncture, Em persists in wanting to be treated like a boy.

A breakthrough occurs when the family takes a trip to Disney World. Since they are away from home, Joe and Mimi allow Em to get a boy’s haircut and wear boy’s clothes. They witness a transformation. Em, who is usually sullen and testy, exhibits a lightness each time a person identifies him as a boy. Em appears happy and joyful. When they return home, they allow Em to start kindergarten identifying as a boy. Em becomes Jacob. Lemay expresses anxiety about this decision and is aware of the potential pitfalls. And though she feels sad about the loss of her daughter, her intuition tells her this is the right decision.

Children often repeat or complete the problems that plagued the prior generation. As Mimi wrestles with how to best parent her child, she shares that she, too, has been on an internal journey to find her religious identity. Miriam Netzer was born in 1976 in Jerusalem, Israel. Her parents divorced when Mimi was a toddler; Mimi and her brother lived with their observant Orthodox mother in the United States. When Mimi is in 5th grade, she requests that people call her Mimi instead of Miriam. Her mother persists in calling her Miriam. The Netzer family life revolves around observing the edicts of Orthodox Judaism. Mimi attends Orthodox schools and keeps the thousands of rules required of this sect of Judaism. Mimi’s mother, Judith, is steadfast while her daughter Mimi questions the lessons taught by the Orthodox rabbis. Mimi objects most to the daily prayer her brother is required to say, “Blessed art Thou, O Lord, Master of the Universe, who has not made me a woman.” Several schools ask Lemay to leave. Lemay’s intelligence and curiosity propel her to confront authorities who want obedience to this version of faith. Lemay's knowledge of the Torah’s valuable lessons enriches this memoir as she intersperses stories into the narrative. She doesn’t want to discard her faith; she wants to be less observant.

Because of Lemay’s struggles leaving her religious community, she has profound compassion for her child. She and her son both pay a high price to live authentic lives. In an ironic twist, Mimi’s mother’s rigidity fosters in Mimi great flexibility, which ultimately allows Em to become Jacob. What We Will Become is a layered, intimate and heartful memoir. Mimi Lemay and her husband Joe, have given their child the greatest gift a parent can give a child, the freedom to be one’s authentic self.